If Your Spouse Isn't Changing...
Here are three tips for changing the way you approach them
When motivated, intelligent people want change in any area of life, they can usually identify some basic needs for the change to happen. Here are a few:
For this part of my life to change, I must do something
The thing I must do will not be easy
The difficulty is worth the reward
No one else can do this for me
Think of getting a job or changing career paths; buying your first home; going through pregnancy and labor; completing a degree or certification. There are endless examples. Of course, barriers exist in many instances and there are some situations which are not completely under our own control. We’re talking about the ones that we can influence significantly via our own action.
When it comes to our marriages, however… we often have different expectations for how change will occur. These may look like:
For this part of the relationship to change, my spouse must do something
The thing should be easy for my spouse, since it is obvious
If they don’t make this change, I will be unhappy,
I am not the one in need of change
Now, this is not usually a line of thinking consciously held. In couples therapy, this kind of thinking is often revealed somewhere in the process. The same intelligent and highly motivated people, who usually understand that change must be self-driven, are also often the ones demanding that their partners make changes without holding the mirror to themselves.
Dear reader, if this is a time of your life when you’re hoping things will change in your marriage, I have great compassion for you. You’re tired. Bummed out. Probably angry, at least sometimes. The person you most want to be able to talk to feels distant. And you’ve told them a thousand times what you need from them— why aren’t they just listening? Why won’t they change?
The kind of change we’re looking for when we begin couples therapy happens only under certain conditions. Luckily, these conditions have potential to be arrived at by the majority of couples. The conditions: safety. Through the lens of attachment science, we see and understand that change is most likely to occur in environments where both partners feel emotionally safe.
Here’s an (overly simplified) example of a couple in therapy:
Jeff and Alexa have been going in circles now for a long time over whose job it is to return the trash bin to the garage after it’s been picked up. Though they both recognize that though this issue itself is not that deep, it has somehow led to yelling matches, and dirt from other areas of their relationship is dragged up now when they talk about it. Sometimes the job just doesn’t get done because they both feel touchy about it, and at other times, they use doing the job as leverage over one another.
After four sessions, Alexa reveals (after having the revelation herself) that her dad always did the “outside jobs” and for her, this is connected to a sense of being cared for and safe. On learning this, Jeff shares that he has felt that this was a surface-level issue for a long time, and now could see that it meant much more to Alexa. He was able to listen to her and validate her deep feelings around what it means to be cared for. Alexa was then able to accept Jeff’s perspective on the issue and listen to it with sincerity, rather than with critical ears. This specific issue was not completely resolved in this session, but they did something more important: created a safe space in their relationship to talk, feel, and be there for one another. (Names and details have been changed for clients’ confidentiality)
That is the change we’re really looking for. Yes, the details of who moves the trash can need to be worked out. That’s important for the daily functioning of our lives. However, the deeper change that needs to occur is in the way that we make space for our spouse’s experience and feelings.
I also want to offer a few examples of things you may be doing to prevent change in your marriage; things you may be doing to limit the safety that your partner feels in interactions with you. I know it’s hard to turn that mirror around. This might even be hard to read. If your stomach twists in knots just hearing the phrase “own your part,” that’s okay. You might want to put the phone down or close the computer, because it’s so uncomfortable. Again, it’s okay. You’re human— we have a hard time with this stuff! But, like I tell my own clients: we have to start somewhere. Might as well be me, right?
Here are 3 things you may do that would likely keep your partner’s change at bay.
1. You open up discussions about their less desirable behaviors with a criticism.
They get home and the first words you say to them are, “You left your shoes out this morning.”
They leave the sprinklers on and you bring it up with, “Well, our water bill’s going to be higher this month.”
They tidy up the living room and your response is, “I guess if I want it done right, I have to do it.”
However you deliver the critique, it lands on them like a bag of bricks. Your partner can’t use this to motivate change; it puts them into a defensive stance. When we are criticized, we generally don't feel great, right?
So, to turn this on its head, what if instead of highlighting the negative, we highlight the positive?
“Hey, I noticed you got out the door early this morning. Great job! Next time, could you please try to remember to put your shoes away?”
“Babe, the lawn looks great. I noticed the sprinklers were left on though, could you try setting a timer for them next time?”
A simple, “Hey, thanks for picking up some; it feels better in here than before.”
Notice how you can still be very positive and affirming while remaining truthful. If you want your partner to change their habits, criticism won’t help; encouragement and clear communication probably will.
2. Conversations about what you’d like to change happen in the heat of the moment
Humans are equipped with incredible powers of rationalization, logic, and connection. The part of the brain handling much of that work is the prefrontal cortex. When you are calm and collected, you are able to use this part of the brain to call and let your spouse know you’ve arrived at your destination. It’s the part of the brain that lets us say things like, “I so appreciate that you remembered to call me when you got to your hotel. Thank you for thinking of me.”
When the call doesn’t come and worry creeps in, or anger melts over you, the rational prefrontal cortex goes offline, usurped by the part of the brain that’s on the lookout for threat and poised to handle it. You call your spouse frantically and demand to know where they are and why they didn’t call you, and boom, their ability to stay calm is undermined. Defensiveness and difficulty listening reign while you wonder why this is happening again. You might say, “You always forget to call, you never check in.” You just wanted to make sure they were safe, after all!
So, next time they go on a trip, you know that they know what you want them to do. When it doesn’t happen, the whole story plays out the same way again, except this time you have just one more example of how they’ve messed up. Vicious cycle.
When we ask for change while an argument is currently in motion, it goes in one ear and out the other; the brain is focused on survival, not optimization of the relationship, in that moment.
Rather than expecting change based on what you fought about, circle back to the issue in a calm moment. You’re way more likely to hear and be heard when the stakes don’t feel so high— the way they do when your heart is racing and you’re trying your best not to curse (hopefully). What does this sound like?
“Hey, I really care about you. When you go on your trip next week, could you please set a reminder to call me when you get there? It’s important to me.”
This could be a million other issues, but the point is that we’re talking about the problem when it’s not actively the subject of an argument. We need that prefrontal cortex to be online to initiate sustainable changes. If we’re bringing up issues only when we’re in a fight, it’s unlikely that lasting change will happen.
3. You aren’t willing to take a break during an argument
So, what about those pressing matters? Sometimes, we can’t just let something go and bring it up later on when we are at peace with one another, loving life, and catching butterflies together. There are issues that need to be hashed out, and soon. And there are topics that, every time they’re brought up, bring up really hard feelings.
When something that needs to be discussed gets you and your partner into an argument every time, and you charge ahead without ever stopping to take a breather, it’s unlikely that the issue will be resolved. This goes right back to the same issue with the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala. When all of our energy goes towards those survival instincts, we aren’t able to use rational thought to work things out in a way that makes sense. We fight and break down rather than collaborate, which lands us disappointed, flustered, and distant.
However, if you are willing to take a break during an argument, it can buy you back some of your sanity so that you can eventually work to a more positive outcome. How do you know when you need a break?
If your pulse is racing, if you are having to try hard not to say something you can’t take back, if you’re feeling like you want to jump in the car and drive off, you might need to pause.
This requires a bit of pre-planning. Guess what we’re not good at in the middle of an argument? Slowing down. Guess why? That dang amygdala! It’s working hard to help you defend yourself.
In a calm moment, ask your spouse if you can chat about how you argue. If this is a novel concept, it might feel awkward, but here’s a little script:
“Hey, I’ve noticed that when we argue we don’t usually get anywhere productive. What if we started giving each other a chance to cool off when we get irritated with each other?”
Agree on a phrase to start a time out— it can be as simple as “time out.”
Next time you argue, if you need a time out, use the time to breathe, stretch, and calm down. Don’t ruminate on the issue, plan your argument, or leave, and limit the break to about 20 minutes before returning to the conversation. This will allow you to really reset, and come back to the conversation with a level head.
If you’ve made it to the end of this article, I’m guessing you’re invested in your relationship (or you might be a therapy nerd; you’re in good company either way). Let’s close this up with an important acknowledgement: most of the time, we argue with our spouse because we care. The issues that get to us do so because we want to be understood, seen, and loved by the person who matters most to us. By the one who we want to get and who we hope will get us. Change is so possible in marriage, even after years or decades of being stuck in the mud. It takes work, for sure, but it’s possible. Hopefully, that message encourages you today.
Working out the technical issues of how a couple argues can be a pretty common aspect of a day-in-the-life as a couples therapist. Sometimes, we are so bound up in negative cycles of communication that we can’t even tell where one argument ends and the next begins. If that sounds like you and your spouse, it might be worth finding a couples therapist close to you!
I’m Kalyn, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I live in Georgia and serve both Georgians and Texans in my practice, KWW Therapy.
This publication is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute psychotherapy or establish a therapist-client relationship.
This was so good, Kalyn. Thank you! Good reminder that safety must be established first for things to progress. I appreciate you sharing these insights.